Sunday, January 8, 2012


Insomnia used to be something that happened to other people.  That poor bastard in the office, with luggage under his eyes, eyeballs red and dry… you know, *that* guy.  When I was younger I couldn’t understand how people could go for extended periods of time without sleep.  Don't you just eventually just get tired?  Haha!  Someone who has never experienced insomnia always seems to think it’s just a matter of time before you get really tired and go to sleep.
What they don’t understand is that insomniacs *are* tired.  We are tired.  Really tired.  Uber tired.  Really uber tired.  Really uber exhausted.  You get the point.
Mr. Sandman has been slacking at my house on and off for the last few years.  I’d fire him if there was someone else that could do the job but unfortunately the man has an unspeakable level of job security.   Sure he contracts work out to that creepy Lunesta butterfly.  Or is it a butterfly?  Maybe it's just a giant moth?  Either way, I'm not sure I want it in my bedroom.

Sometimes he'll try to contract out to Prince Valium.  And Valium is Sandman's idiot cousin.  He’s a stinker too.  He teases me with yawn and eye rubs, then he runs for the hills like a man in a meat suit being chased by a half starved Bengal tiger.  Even if he wasn't eaten alive, Fibromyalgia gives me a hyper sensitivity to medications and so a date with Prince Valium is highly unlikely these days... which isn't really a bad thing.

I digress, ultimately they all work for the Sandman, and therefore are subject to his policies which makes them pretty useless. He owns the market.
As you might guess, eventually this will start to effect your health.  To that end, my doctor would like me to have an affair with Mr. Sandman, however I find that highly unlikely as I can't even seem to snag a one night stand with the man.  I explained this to her and she started talking about "sleep hygiene" which is a term that makes me shudder.  Like I'm a messy, lazy, dirty hobo sleeper.  I don't know who thought of this term but he, and those that agreed to it, should be flogged.  Regardless,  I don't hang out in my bedroom frequently.  I go bed at a regular time, however you're not supposed to stay in bed just blinking at the ceiling if you can't sleep... so I go elsewhere and not sleep, like the sofa.  My bedroom isn't warm, it's on the cool side and very dark.  I have a noise machine.  If there's a relaxation technique someone has recommended to capture the ever elusive sleep, I've tried it.  I've done yoga and meditation.  I'm at a loss, so now I'm asking you guys - what do you do when you just can't sleep?


  1. I wish I could help you as Mr. Sandman is being a bastard at my house, too, as I'm lucky if I get 4 hours sleep per night. You did, however, help me out by making me elicit a chuckle with your analogies.

  2. Scotch? I dunno. I usually sleep pretty well and don't need that much. I also hate the phrase sleep hygiene. Makes me think of someone sleeping with oozing sores.

  3. I've heard of people having great success at curing insomnia with biofeedback. I have done some Brain State Training myself through I did it for other reasons but it really seemed to help.

  4. Even though I laughed through your post (very cleverly written!), I know how frustrating insomnia can be. I've never found that magic cure. Have you tried guided meditations? Those usually at least put me to sleep for a couple hours...which really is better than nothing at all. Also, I have a friend who swears by melatonin to ward off insomnia. I've never tried it myself. Hope Sandman gives you a booty call soon, sista! xxoo

  5. I'm afraid I have no suggestions for you, but I feel your pain, in a very different way. I get no sleep because I'm the parent of a restless one-year-old. Eventually, I know my sleeplessness will end, because the kid HAS to go to college or move out sometime. But know that sleep is elusive for many of us.

    Also, I think the problem with the sleep hygiene term stems from the fact that "hygiene" is always an unpleasant sounding word. You know, like moist.